3.1 Practical Parenting Advice

3.1 Practical Advice

Do not elevate “worthy” children and children will not compete with each other;
do not value goods that are difficult to obtain and children will not rob themselves;
do not display desirable objects and children’s hearts will not be in turmoil.

不尚賢, 使民不爭; 不貴難得之貨, 使民不為盜; 不見可欲, 使民心不亂.

We live in a society that elevates “talented” individuals, individuals who are deemed “worthy” above others. It is true of athletics, academics, and the business world. As parents, the danger in doing this is that it breeds competition, which may be necessary for a thriving open market, but only results in contention amongst children. Far too many children measure their value by their performance – by the “product” and “outcomes” they create. Students are only as good as their GPA; athletes are only as good as their last game. This is instilled in our children at an early age and results in a spectrum of unending comparisons, in which our children, fully commodified as human resources are only able to find relative value based on the world’s supply and demand of the best and the brightest.

At home, parents often fall into similar traps, when they begin to label and reward children – she is the “good” child, he is the “rebellious” one. Such labels not only assign dangerous roles to children, roles that they feel compelled to fulfill, but they also lead to sibling rivalry. Children are precious and valuable as they are – it is not what they do but who they are – our children, that determines their worth. As parents we must love our children unconditionally, all the time, regardless of their misadventures – only then will they discover their true worth.

One of the ways parents can help their children find their true value is to refrain from engaging in consumer culture that targets children. Advertisers of TV shows, movies, and music often attempt to market an identity of “coolness” to our children, subtly manipulating and deceiving them into thinking that happiness can only be found in a $100 pair of pants or a $50 video game, not only does this marketing sometimes lead to childhood stealing, such as the child who steals a pack of trading cards because he wants it so badly (a want successfully instilled by the marketers), or even to the gang murders for brand name shoes, more commonly it robs children of the ability to make their decisions about what they like and dislike and about what they find valuable. With continued exposure to such market manipulations children become complicit in robbing themselves of any potential to do anything other than buy the latest gear they are told is “in” – this is exactly what many marketing campaigns that target children hope for.

As parents we must teach and (show) our children early and often that such goods do not equate to happiness or fulfillment or self-worth. The age-old adage “out of sight, out of mind” is instructive here. The parent who leaves the cookies out on the counter within grasp of the child and tells the child that they cannot have one sets the child up to fail, for they see something that they want and it is within their grasp. The same is true of more dangerous temptations (imagine the child who constantly sees the pack of cigarettes on the counter and sees the people he/she looks up to constantly engaged in the activity). This creates turmoil within the child. A wise parent knows that eliminating the potential temptations surrounding our child (even if they are things adults “indulge” in) is the best way to protect our children while they develop good judgment and to ensure that they have peaceful childhood. The parent who leaves money lying around invites children to experiment with stealing; the same for drugs, pornography, and a host of other dangers. Even the parent who proudly displays the trophies of their success invites turmoil within the child who may not have the same interests but who feels must get them in order to be “like” mom or dad.

Chapter 2.3: Wise Parents

Wise Parents

This [the endless cycle of comparisons and the trap of beauty and excellence] is the reason why wise parents are found engaged in childrearing without guile or preconception, everything comes from somewhere and it does not start with them.

Such a parent teaches through personal conduct not lectures; they don’t become possessive of products; they act and yet do not become dependent on outcomes, when their good works are completed they don’t rest on their laurels – because they don’t rest on their laurels, the effects of their good works don’t depart from their children.

是以聖人處無為之事, 行不言之教, 萬物作昔而弗始, 生而弗有, 為而弗恃, 功成而弗居. 夫唯弗居, 是以不去.

The role of a wise parent is not to enforce a set of external expectations on our children, but to respond to their ever changing needs. To respond to our children's needs, rather than to instigate our own parental agendas (children must be sleeping through the night by age 1, potty-trained by 2, on a fixed schedule that works for me, have learned to read by age 5, etc.) and not be influenced by societies questionable motivations (to sell us things and make us conform) puts us in tune with our children and only our children. Children are unpredictable and need a parent who can respond dynamically and positively, they enjoy surprises not just the same old repetition -- most of all they want to be acknowledged and engaged. As parents we need to act "I love you" not just say it. Wise parents make things happen for their children without becoming possessive of the activities or the way they are carried out. Wise parents do things but don't become attached to the outcome (ex. I can't believe I spent all day making food that my child has just turned his nose up at and thrown on the floor). Wise parents know when they are doing the right things and yet are not satisfied and fooled into the trap of prideful self-justification. Because of this they will not slack off and will ever see the effects of their good parenting.

Chapter 2.2: A Spectrum of Unending Comparison

A Spectrum of Unending Comparison

Forming and unforming are mutually produce each other, difficulty and ease mutually create each other, long and short mutually comprise each other, high and low mutually fill each other in, pitch and tone mutually harmonize each other, before and after mutually follow each other – such distinctions are never-ending.

有無相生, 難易相成, 長短相形, 高下相盈, 音聲相和, 前后相隨, 恆也.

In all things, labels attempt to convey a fixed sense of identity, either by association (what something is like) or by disassociation (isolating something from what it is not -- i.e. brown is not red, hot is not cold). However, the underlying reality is far more complex. There is an endless spectrum between the complementary poles of phenomena and everything occupies a unique space in the world, which though relative, should not be misconstrued as fixed value. To head down this slippery slope with children is to enter a realm where nothing is ever good enough -- some kid will always be smarter, better looking, have more money or toys, be better at sports. There will always be someone or something out there somewhere against which such a child cannot measure up. By contrast, helping children identify their unique place in the world without resorting to fixed distinctions of value is one of the things that will most leave a lasting impression on our children. Set them free from the constant comparisons with other children and social values and just let them be who they are. This is the way to lasting happiness and personal satisfaction.

Chapter 2.1: The Trap of Beauty and Excellence

The Trap of Beauty and Excellence

If all under Heaven know what it is to be beautiful, then this is only ugliness; if all under Heaven know what it is to be excellent, then this is not excellent.

天下皆知美之為美, 斯惡已; 皆知善之為善, 斯不善矣.

What defines beauty and excellence? There is certainly a set of standards promoted by popular culture and the media, and yet when everyone in society is convinced that they know what the standard of beauty is, the result is quite ugly, for such impositions of socially constructed standards of beauty (such as the airbrushed, rail-thin young ladies that regularly adorn the covers of numerous magazines at the checkout aisle of your local grocery store) place unfair labels and expectations upon our children to measure up to an arbitrary and mythical standard that rarely exists in real life and is not the only form of beauty to be found. Indeed, the very construction of an ideal of beauty creates, no, demands that everything else be ugliness. Such is the obsession of popular culture, but it does no justice to the true beauty of our children. For if history tells us one thing, it is that such arbitrary standards will change (At best consider the changing fashions of our own lifetimes and at worst think of the atrocity of foot-binding in China and other equally atrocious activities elsewhere in the world, until we get to implants, liposuction, and botox injections today).

The same can be said for any artificial and external standard or definition for determining excellence, intelligence, athleticism, or even health. Such quantitative standards are not "objective" nor do they consider the qualities and characteristics of the individual. They are highly biased, motivated by particular agendas, and often political. As such, skinny does not equal healthy; standardized tests often do leave children behind (and at the very least, they determine what “behind” is); glamour and fashion do not leave beauty to the eye of the beholder; there is more to life than "winning." It is reprehensible that such burdens are dumped on our children at such young ages and serves to prevent them from discovering their own unique beauty and excellences. As parents we must watch out for our children to ensure that they are not forced into such a rat-race, which can only lead to an unsatisfying life.

Chapter 1.5: The Wonders of Parenthood

“The Wonders of Parenthood”

These two [being free of our own expectations and helping our children observe the outcome of their own expectations] emerge together, but have different names. Both of them may be called profound. Profound beyond profound – they are the gateway to all wonders.

此兩者同出而異名，同謂之玄。玄之又玄，眾妙之門。

These two abilities, the ability to first liberate ourselves from our own premeditated expectations toward our children and then helping to show our children the outcome of the various expectations they and/or others may have for them are two sides of the same coin, two halves of the same whole – they are the gateway into the profound mysteries and the wonders of both parenthood and childhood, which are themselves two aspects of the same human experience.

Chapter 1.4: Great Expectations

“Great Expectations”

Therefore, to be constantly free of expectations is the means for observing wondrousness; to be constantly possessed of expectations is the means of observing only outcomes.

故常無欲以觀其妙; 常有欲以觀其徼.

As parents, we must first liberate ourselves from the premeditated expectations we have for our children. When we do so we will be able to fully see their wondrousness. If, as parents, we are fixated on our own expectations of our children, it becomes difficult to discern between who they are and how well they perform to our arbitrary expectations. In such cases, children are judged by “outcomes” or by how they “measure up” to our own preconceived notions. On the other hand, our responsibility and privilege as parents is to help them observe the potential outcomes of their own expectations and desires and to learn to see the wonders of the world simply as it is.

Chapter 1.3 Experiencing the Totality of Existence

“Experiencing the Totality of Existence”

The unnamed is the beginning of Heaven and earth, the named is the mother of the myriad phenomena.

無名天地之始; 有名萬物之母。

Before children learn to speak, they experience the world as a unified, nameless phenomenon. Once names and labels are introduced to them, they begin to wade into a world of distinctions and contradictions that does not always make sense to them. While some distinctions are necessary to ensure a child’s safety, many are not the result of their experiences but our own biases. Indeed, a child’s response to an unforeseen event, a scrape or bruise, may often be dictated by their parent’s response; is the child a victim or is the bruise a learning experience or badge of accomplishment to be worn proudly? Sometimes, parents unwittingly instill their fears, prejudices, and biases in their children, such as a fear of dogs or a dislike of vegetables. As a parent, we must allow them to make their own distinctions while keeping them in tune with the broader totality underlying all of human experience. We must avoid the temptation to try and make our children into littler versions of ourselves if they are ever to learn who they are.

Chapter 1.2: Labels and Labeling

“Labels and Labeling”

As for labels, if you label it, it is not an enduring label.

名可名非恆名。

Any label that can be pinned on our children is just that – an artificial appendage that will not stick. It will never fully capture the true essence of who our children are or what we as parents are trying to do to raise them properly. We live in a world of labels, as parents one of our greatest responsibilities is to liberate our children from the burden of socially constructed labels like “jock,” “nerd,” “dead-head,” etc. Even well-intentioned friends and family sometimes fall victim to the pervasive tendency in Western society to conceive of children (and even adults) in terms of “the athletic one” or “the sensitive one” – such arbitrary labels assign unfair roles to children, preventing them from simply experiencing their childhood and becoming their own unique and authentic selves.

Chapter 1.1 The Way

“The Way”

As for the Way, if it can be spoken, it is not the enduring Way.

道可道非恆道。

“Ways” are by their very nature not something that cannot be “told” or “spoken.” They must be shown through action, for actions speak louder than words. In order for our children to live balanced lives, they must be shown, not told, how to walk the path of life. Thus, enduring parenting, parenting that leaves a long-lasting impact on our children, must be demonstrated. The demonstration of love and affection endures forever, while the declaration of love falls by the wayside with each passing moment. Verbal instruction is inferior to experiential instruction. Children need and want us to show them the way. Sadly, far too often we tell them to “do what I say, not what I do,” pointing out the path they should go, while we go skipping down another.