Chapter 1.5: The Wonders of Parenthood

“The Wonders of Parenthood”

These two [being free of our own expectations and helping our children observe the outcome of their own expectations] emerge together, but have different names. Both of them may be called profound. Profound beyond profound – they are the gateway to all wonders.

此兩者同出而異名，同謂之玄。玄之又玄，眾妙之門。

These two abilities, the ability to first liberate ourselves from our own premeditated expectations toward our children and then helping to show our children the outcome of the various expectations they and/or others may have for them are two sides of the same coin, two halves of the same whole – they are the gateway into the profound mysteries and the wonders of both parenthood and childhood, which are themselves two aspects of the same human experience.

Chapter 1.4: Great Expectations

“Great Expectations”

Therefore, to be constantly free of expectations is the means for observing wondrousness; to be constantly possessed of expectations is the means of observing only outcomes.

故常無欲以觀其妙; 常有欲以觀其徼.

As parents, we must first liberate ourselves from the premeditated expectations we have for our children. When we do so we will be able to fully see their wondrousness. If, as parents, we are fixated on our own expectations of our children, it becomes difficult to discern between who they are and how well they perform to our arbitrary expectations. In such cases, children are judged by “outcomes” or by how they “measure up” to our own preconceived notions. On the other hand, our responsibility and privilege as parents is to help them observe the potential outcomes of their own expectations and desires and to learn to see the wonders of the world simply as it is.

Chapter 1.3 Experiencing the Totality of Existence

“Experiencing the Totality of Existence”

The unnamed is the beginning of Heaven and earth, the named is the mother of the myriad phenomena.

無名天地之始; 有名萬物之母。

Before children learn to speak, they experience the world as a unified, nameless phenomenon. Once names and labels are introduced to them, they begin to wade into a world of distinctions and contradictions that does not always make sense to them. While some distinctions are necessary to ensure a child’s safety, many are not the result of their experiences but our own biases. Indeed, a child’s response to an unforeseen event, a scrape or bruise, may often be dictated by their parent’s response; is the child a victim or is the bruise a learning experience or badge of accomplishment to be worn proudly? Sometimes, parents unwittingly instill their fears, prejudices, and biases in their children, such as a fear of dogs or a dislike of vegetables. As a parent, we must allow them to make their own distinctions while keeping them in tune with the broader totality underlying all of human experience. We must avoid the temptation to try and make our children into littler versions of ourselves if they are ever to learn who they are.

Chapter 1.2: Labels and Labeling

“Labels and Labeling”

As for labels, if you label it, it is not an enduring label.

名可名非恆名。

Any label that can be pinned on our children is just that – an artificial appendage that will not stick. It will never fully capture the true essence of who our children are or what we as parents are trying to do to raise them properly. We live in a world of labels, as parents one of our greatest responsibilities is to liberate our children from the burden of socially constructed labels like “jock,” “nerd,” “dead-head,” etc. Even well-intentioned friends and family sometimes fall victim to the pervasive tendency in Western society to conceive of children (and even adults) in terms of “the athletic one” or “the sensitive one” – such arbitrary labels assign unfair roles to children, preventing them from simply experiencing their childhood and becoming their own unique and authentic selves.

Chapter 1.1 The Way

“The Way”

As for the Way, if it can be spoken, it is not the enduring Way.

道可道非恆道。

“Ways” are by their very nature not something that cannot be “told” or “spoken.” They must be shown through action, for actions speak louder than words. In order for our children to live balanced lives, they must be shown, not told, how to walk the path of life. Thus, enduring parenting, parenting that leaves a long-lasting impact on our children, must be demonstrated. The demonstration of love and affection endures forever, while the declaration of love falls by the wayside with each passing moment. Verbal instruction is inferior to experiential instruction. Children need and want us to show them the way. Sadly, far too often we tell them to “do what I say, not what I do,” pointing out the path they should go, while we go skipping down another.