Chapter 2.3: Wise Parents

Wise Parents

This [the endless cycle of comparisons and the trap of beauty and excellence] is the reason why wise parents are found engaged in childrearing without guile or preconception, everything comes from somewhere and it does not start with them.

Such a parent teaches through personal conduct not lectures; they don’t become possessive of products; they act and yet do not become dependent on outcomes, when their good works are completed they don’t rest on their laurels – because they don’t rest on their laurels, the effects of their good works don’t depart from their children.

是以聖人處無為之事, 行不言之教, 萬物作昔而弗始, 生而弗有, 為而弗恃, 功成而弗居. 夫唯弗居, 是以不去.

The role of a wise parent is not to enforce a set of external expectations on our children, but to respond to their ever changing needs. To respond to our children's needs, rather than to instigate our own parental agendas (children must be sleeping through the night by age 1, potty-trained by 2, on a fixed schedule that works for me, have learned to read by age 5, etc.) and not be influenced by societies questionable motivations (to sell us things and make us conform) puts us in tune with our children and only our children. Children are unpredictable and need a parent who can respond dynamically and positively, they enjoy surprises not just the same old repetition -- most of all they want to be acknowledged and engaged. As parents we need to act "I love you" not just say it. Wise parents make things happen for their children without becoming possessive of the activities or the way they are carried out. Wise parents do things but don't become attached to the outcome (ex. I can't believe I spent all day making food that my child has just turned his nose up at and thrown on the floor). Wise parents know when they are doing the right things and yet are not satisfied and fooled into the trap of prideful self-justification. Because of this they will not slack off and will ever see the effects of their good parenting.

Chapter 2.2: A Spectrum of Unending Comparison

A Spectrum of Unending Comparison

Forming and unforming are mutually produce each other, difficulty and ease mutually create each other, long and short mutually comprise each other, high and low mutually fill each other in, pitch and tone mutually harmonize each other, before and after mutually follow each other – such distinctions are never-ending.

有無相生, 難易相成, 長短相形, 高下相盈, 音聲相和, 前后相隨, 恆也.

In all things, labels attempt to convey a fixed sense of identity, either by association (what something is like) or by disassociation (isolating something from what it is not -- i.e. brown is not red, hot is not cold). However, the underlying reality is far more complex. There is an endless spectrum between the complementary poles of phenomena and everything occupies a unique space in the world, which though relative, should not be misconstrued as fixed value. To head down this slippery slope with children is to enter a realm where nothing is ever good enough -- some kid will always be smarter, better looking, have more money or toys, be better at sports. There will always be someone or something out there somewhere against which such a child cannot measure up. By contrast, helping children identify their unique place in the world without resorting to fixed distinctions of value is one of the things that will most leave a lasting impression on our children. Set them free from the constant comparisons with other children and social values and just let them be who they are. This is the way to lasting happiness and personal satisfaction.

Chapter 2.1: The Trap of Beauty and Excellence

The Trap of Beauty and Excellence

If all under Heaven know what it is to be beautiful, then this is only ugliness; if all under Heaven know what it is to be excellent, then this is not excellent.

天下皆知美之為美, 斯惡已; 皆知善之為善, 斯不善矣.

What defines beauty and excellence? There is certainly a set of standards promoted by popular culture and the media, and yet when everyone in society is convinced that they know what the standard of beauty is, the result is quite ugly, for such impositions of socially constructed standards of beauty (such as the airbrushed, rail-thin young ladies that regularly adorn the covers of numerous magazines at the checkout aisle of your local grocery store) place unfair labels and expectations upon our children to measure up to an arbitrary and mythical standard that rarely exists in real life and is not the only form of beauty to be found. Indeed, the very construction of an ideal of beauty creates, no, demands that everything else be ugliness. Such is the obsession of popular culture, but it does no justice to the true beauty of our children. For if history tells us one thing, it is that such arbitrary standards will change (At best consider the changing fashions of our own lifetimes and at worst think of the atrocity of foot-binding in China and other equally atrocious activities elsewhere in the world, until we get to implants, liposuction, and botox injections today).

The same can be said for any artificial and external standard or definition for determining excellence, intelligence, athleticism, or even health. Such quantitative standards are not "objective" nor do they consider the qualities and characteristics of the individual. They are highly biased, motivated by particular agendas, and often political. As such, skinny does not equal healthy; standardized tests often do leave children behind (and at the very least, they determine what “behind” is); glamour and fashion do not leave beauty to the eye of the beholder; there is more to life than "winning." It is reprehensible that such burdens are dumped on our children at such young ages and serves to prevent them from discovering their own unique beauty and excellences. As parents we must watch out for our children to ensure that they are not forced into such a rat-race, which can only lead to an unsatisfying life.